Dearest readers,
It goes without saying that I've neglected this blog. It's been nearly eight months, for pete's sake! That's almost 3/4 of a year! And the most recent blog entry describes a trip that occurred in the fall of 2009?! Hell's bells, I've been to New York, New Orleans, and EUROPE since then. Bad Brian! I'd spank myself, but that would prove more reward than punishment.
In the interest of sloughing off stagnation, my friend Chris has suggested that he and I attempt to Blog Every Day in April. (It's a "thing" apparently, so that's why it's all capital-y.) I suppose technically for me this would be a reattempt, since, while Chris successfully documented his life on a daily basis (with pitchers even!) back in April of '09, I failed spectacularly. I clocked in at a measly 11 entries, and one of 'em was simply me bitching about the task at hand. If it had been Feed a Baby Every Day in April, the poor thing would've starved to death. Well, actually, maybe not, but it probably would have ended up feeble-minded due to malnutrition at such a critical time in its early development.
Now the more observant among you will feel that's important to point out that it's already the 7th of April. I'll say first of all that the gauntlet was only thrown down yesterday. Secondly, I'll suggest that you refrain from being such a smart ass.
So fasten your seatbelts, boys and girls. We're gonna blog the fuck outta this here interwebs.
Facetiously yours,
Brian 5
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Friday, February 18, 2011
Probably a Damned Forward. Literally.
I typically don’t let my phone get extremely low on power, so when I
looked down just now and saw a red notification light, I thought someone
had sent me an evil text message.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
The Trouble with Hairpieces
Last night I was putting away things from last weekend’s drag party, and
I realized that I had walked off with three of my friend’s wigs. I found them as I was unpacking a bin of
what we had dubbed “emergency drag”, and for a split second I
thought I had tribbles.
Old-school Star Trek jokes FTW!
I'm a dork.
Old-school Star Trek jokes FTW!
I'm a dork.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
At Your Discretion
I enjoy reading the personal ads on Craigslist.
You learn a lot about your fellow human beings that way.
For instance, I've discovered that a great many local gentlemen place a great deal of importance on being discrete, which strikes me as rather odd.
Are they concerned that a brief but ecstatic encounter threatens their individuality? That bumping uglies with a stranger will cause an unprecedented merging of selves?
After all, "discrete" means "separate" or "distinct". Trust me. I looked it up and everything.
What causes these fellows to irrationally believe that dissociation - whether temporary or permanent - is the inevitable by-product of illicit male-male fornication?
I think it may be all the poppers.
You learn a lot about your fellow human beings that way.
For instance, I've discovered that a great many local gentlemen place a great deal of importance on being discrete, which strikes me as rather odd.
Are they concerned that a brief but ecstatic encounter threatens their individuality? That bumping uglies with a stranger will cause an unprecedented merging of selves?
After all, "discrete" means "separate" or "distinct". Trust me. I looked it up and everything.
What causes these fellows to irrationally believe that dissociation - whether temporary or permanent - is the inevitable by-product of illicit male-male fornication?
I think it may be all the poppers.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Putting the "Lay" in "Layoffs"
It is with a heavy heart that I relate that *sniff* the local dick bar has closed.
Arrow, we barely new ye, but a light that burns so bright can only burn so long … no matter how large your candlesticks may happen to be.
I had so many more alternate things to call you! The cocknasium! The dong-a-teria! The penis pantry! Wasted.
To fill the Arrow-shaped void in my life, I plan on visiting a college-adjacent sports bar, ogle guys at the urinals, and pay double for my drinks.
Arrow, we barely new ye, but a light that burns so bright can only burn so long … no matter how large your candlesticks may happen to be.
I had so many more alternate things to call you! The cocknasium! The dong-a-teria! The penis pantry! Wasted.
To fill the Arrow-shaped void in my life, I plan on visiting a college-adjacent sports bar, ogle guys at the urinals, and pay double for my drinks.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Untimely Travel Tales - Seattle Edition, Pt. 3
It's been a long time between drinks, so without further ado I give you...
DAY THREE
On Saturday morning, Blake and I met some of his friends at Coastal Kitchen for brunch. They had enjoyed a raucous evening on a party bus, so they related their scandalous escapades as they ate, much to my simultaneous delight and chagrin. Charlie and Brett (see "Day One") joined us, but sadly they had to sit at the other end of the table, well outside of comfortable chatting distance. We contented ourselves with knowing glances and sarcastic eye-rolls for the duration of the meal.
Afterward the four of us walked to Volunteer Park, climbed the steps of the water tower, and enjoyed the 360 degree view. The change in elevation came along with a considerable drop in temperature, so we didn't stay for very long.
Brett left us to go to work (I honestly forget the reason, but it was something like that), and Blake, Charlie and I caught a bus to Pioneer Square. We purchased tickets to Underground Seattle, but since we had to wait about a half-hour until the next tour, we walked over to the Seattle Public Library. If you want to know why, just do a quick internet search for pictures of it. The design of the building is absolutely phenomenal. Truly something to behold.
We returned to Underground Seattle for our tour. In Seattle's early days, they had lots of problems with mudslides, tides, sewage - you name it. Eventually, the city filled in the downtown streets and essentially buried the first floors of many of the buildings effectively making them basements. (It's a bit more complicated than that, but you get the idea.) Our guide took us through several dark and dripping corridors, cracking jokes as we went. I found the whole thing intriguing, and the other guys were glad they had a visitor in town so that they had an excuse to go on the tour. :D
We walked from Pioneer Square toward Pike Place Market, passing the Lusty Lady on the way. The Lusty Lady was a peep show operating right across the street from the Seattle Art Museum. It shut its doors back in April, another victim of the poor economy. Still, folks in Seattle will always remember the funny phrases on the marquee. When I was there, it read "We Give Raises" on one side with "Look to the Thighs" on the other. Love it.
After a quick Starbucks stop-off across from the market, we hopped a bus for Seattle Center. Once we were there, we walked underneath a huge art installation titled "Olympic Iliad" on our way to the Space Needle. (I typically don't do a lot of touristy stuff, but there are always exceptions, y'know?) After we got Blake's friend's pass confiscated by trying to use it fraudulently (can't blame us for tryin'!), we zoomed upward to the Observation Deck. The view was absolutely breathtaking. The wind whipped past as we peered out over the city. I'm sure it's nice during the day, but the view at night was fantastic.
We were all a bit worn out at this point, so we returned to our respective homesteads for a disco nap and costume change. Once we met up again, we drove to some part of town (I can't remember which) and had dinner at a nice Latin-themed restaurant (I don't remember the name) before heading back to Pike Place for a show at Can Can.
While I can probably describe Can Can itself with relative ease, the shows you can see there defy explanation. The venue itself made me think of a pocket-sized Moulin Rouge. Located underneath the market, the walls are covered with dark red fabric and the air is filled with energetic, accordion-heavy, French music. The atmosphere is cozy, electric and Bohemian. As for the show? Hmm. Let's say it's equal parts dance, circus, performance art and burlesque. For instance, a sexy dance routine would be followed by someone twirling from a rope. A hot piece of ass named Faggedy Randy performed a lap dance dressed as a unicorn followed up by the whole cast dancing in unison to MGMT's "Kids" in plushie costumes. I absolutely loved it. It served as a fabulous way to end the evening.
TO BE CONCLUDED IN PART 4!
DAY THREE
On Saturday morning, Blake and I met some of his friends at Coastal Kitchen for brunch. They had enjoyed a raucous evening on a party bus, so they related their scandalous escapades as they ate, much to my simultaneous delight and chagrin. Charlie and Brett (see "Day One") joined us, but sadly they had to sit at the other end of the table, well outside of comfortable chatting distance. We contented ourselves with knowing glances and sarcastic eye-rolls for the duration of the meal.
Afterward the four of us walked to Volunteer Park, climbed the steps of the water tower, and enjoyed the 360 degree view. The change in elevation came along with a considerable drop in temperature, so we didn't stay for very long.
Brett left us to go to work (I honestly forget the reason, but it was something like that), and Blake, Charlie and I caught a bus to Pioneer Square. We purchased tickets to Underground Seattle, but since we had to wait about a half-hour until the next tour, we walked over to the Seattle Public Library. If you want to know why, just do a quick internet search for pictures of it. The design of the building is absolutely phenomenal. Truly something to behold.
We returned to Underground Seattle for our tour. In Seattle's early days, they had lots of problems with mudslides, tides, sewage - you name it. Eventually, the city filled in the downtown streets and essentially buried the first floors of many of the buildings effectively making them basements. (It's a bit more complicated than that, but you get the idea.) Our guide took us through several dark and dripping corridors, cracking jokes as we went. I found the whole thing intriguing, and the other guys were glad they had a visitor in town so that they had an excuse to go on the tour. :D
We walked from Pioneer Square toward Pike Place Market, passing the Lusty Lady on the way. The Lusty Lady was a peep show operating right across the street from the Seattle Art Museum. It shut its doors back in April, another victim of the poor economy. Still, folks in Seattle will always remember the funny phrases on the marquee. When I was there, it read "We Give Raises" on one side with "Look to the Thighs" on the other. Love it.
After a quick Starbucks stop-off across from the market, we hopped a bus for Seattle Center. Once we were there, we walked underneath a huge art installation titled "Olympic Iliad" on our way to the Space Needle. (I typically don't do a lot of touristy stuff, but there are always exceptions, y'know?) After we got Blake's friend's pass confiscated by trying to use it fraudulently (can't blame us for tryin'!), we zoomed upward to the Observation Deck. The view was absolutely breathtaking. The wind whipped past as we peered out over the city. I'm sure it's nice during the day, but the view at night was fantastic.
We were all a bit worn out at this point, so we returned to our respective homesteads for a disco nap and costume change. Once we met up again, we drove to some part of town (I can't remember which) and had dinner at a nice Latin-themed restaurant (I don't remember the name) before heading back to Pike Place for a show at Can Can.
While I can probably describe Can Can itself with relative ease, the shows you can see there defy explanation. The venue itself made me think of a pocket-sized Moulin Rouge. Located underneath the market, the walls are covered with dark red fabric and the air is filled with energetic, accordion-heavy, French music. The atmosphere is cozy, electric and Bohemian. As for the show? Hmm. Let's say it's equal parts dance, circus, performance art and burlesque. For instance, a sexy dance routine would be followed by someone twirling from a rope. A hot piece of ass named Faggedy Randy performed a lap dance dressed as a unicorn followed up by the whole cast dancing in unison to MGMT's "Kids" in plushie costumes. I absolutely loved it. It served as a fabulous way to end the evening.
TO BE CONCLUDED IN PART 4!
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
... And They're Super-hungry, Dude.
My brother Brent just got home with food for our dinner and - more
importantly - a first-hand account of the most coolest thing ever:
Right now two hitch-hikers are standing at the top of the on-ramp near our house.
They’re both holding cardboard signs.
The first sign says: “I-40 West”
The second one says: “Zombies are chasing us”
Right now two hitch-hikers are standing at the top of the on-ramp near our house.
They’re both holding cardboard signs.
The first sign says: “I-40 West”
The second one says: “Zombies are chasing us”
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