Hardly Workin'

Allen, one of the engineers at the T.V. station where I work, is very well known for his practical jokes, ranging from simple pranks to elaborate hoaxes. If there's something glued to something else, hidden in an odd place, turned upside down, etc., he's usually behind it.

About a week ago Allen took an unused thermostat and, using a pushpin, hooked it on the wall of a small, unisex bathroom on the second floor. I'm not sure exactly when he did it, but I do remember walking into the bathroom late last week and thinking, "How have I never noticed that before?" I chalked it up to being unobservant and thought no more of it.

This week, a small sign appeared under the thermostat stating emphatically: "Do no adjust thermostat!" I wasn't sure who posted it, but when I saw it - still thinking that the device was legit - I came up with a prank of my own. I hurried back to my desk and typed up a list of instructions. After printing all of them, I cut them into separate, small "signs". Making sure the coast was clear, I grabbed the tape dispenser and made a beeline for the bathroom. I quickly posted all of the miniature signs, then headed back to my desk as if nothing was amiss.

My workspace is adjacent to the bathroom, and it has been a trip to observe everyone's reactions as they walk out. Some folks have been able to figure out it was me, while others are attributing the notes to Allen, which cracks me up. Still others have posted their own notes, although I think mine are the funniest. Just sayin'!

Here's a list of what I posted and where:

• Toilet: "Do not flush before you are finished!"
• Toilet Paper Dispenser: "Do not use toilet paper to jot down ideas!"
• Paper Towel Dispenser: "Do not use this for toilet paper!"
• Soap Dispenser: "Do not use more than two pumps!"
• Mirror: "Do not stare at yourself for more than 30 seconds!"
• Interior Side of Door: "Do not knock on this door unless you are on the other side."
• Above the Urinal: "Do not stare at this spot!"
• Trash Can: "Do not dispose of non-trash in this receptacle."

That last one only survived for a few days before someone replaced it with a sign of their own. They apparently thought their joke was more clever than mine. It wasn't, in my humble opinion, but they misspelled "toilet", which made me feel better.

Probably a Damned Forward. Literally.

I typically don’t let my phone get extremely low on power, so when I looked down just now and saw a red notification light, I thought someone had sent me an evil text message.

The Trouble with Hairpieces

Last night I was putting away things from last weekend’s drag party, and I realized that I had walked off with three of my friend’s wigs. I found them as I was unpacking a bin of what we had dubbed “emergency drag”, and for a split second I thought I had tribbles.

Old-school Star Trek jokes FTW!

I'm a dork.

At Your Discretion

I enjoy reading the personal ads on Craigslist.

You learn a lot about your fellow human beings that way.

For instance, I've discovered that a great many local gentlemen place a great deal of importance on being discrete, which strikes me as rather odd.

Are they concerned that a brief but ecstatic encounter threatens their individuality? That bumping uglies with a stranger will cause an unprecedented merging of selves?

After all, "discrete" means "separate" or "distinct". Trust me. I looked it up and everything.

What causes these fellows to irrationally believe that dissociation - whether temporary or permanent - is the inevitable by-product of illicit male-male fornication?

I think it may be all the poppers.

On the Bullet Train to Hell

My brother Brent and I were walking through a parking lot one day, and we saw a car with a bumper sticker that said, "Keep Your Eyes On Jesus."

I agreed with the advice, saying, "He's a sneaky son of a bitch."